tygermine: (Default)
I am bored with everything.

No, wait. I'm not bored, thats the wrong term. I'm...apathetic to everything.

And I don't know why.

I haven't been over exerting myself like usual. In fact, the only things I've been doing have been money related - going to work and tutoring. That hardly fills my days.
I've been turning down social invites. I've stopped writing. I don't even cook anymore.

All I want to do is sit on my bed, listen to classical music and read.

Is this normal?

Band Camp

Oct. 17th, 2016 09:57 pm
tygermine: (Default)
Why was I never asked to join a band???

I mean, I can sing (classically trained), I have stage presence and I...rock.

And yet, the only thing I have been asked has been to be was the manager.

I wonder why that is...

Eras lost

Oct. 6th, 2016 06:58 pm
tygermine: (Default)
So, I was feeling pretty lonely tonight, lonely enough to try out Tindr (again). I came onto LJ to blog about this, then I came across a post about [livejournal.com profile] ethrosdemon / Kassie and my heart broke into a thousand pieces.

For those of you who don't know, about 8 years ago, Kassie wrote an epic in the bandom arena - Bandpires. It set the bar of everything I'd ever want to read ever again. And not just that, her musings were always insightful, amusing and dead on. She is another LJ friend I have lost and it hurts. It really hurts.

I am going to miss her.

If you want to read her stuff - head over to my memories for the tag - I want to live forever.

Connections

Sep. 7th, 2016 08:43 am
tygermine: (Default)
So, after my little self indulgent existential crisis last night, I woke up feeling better. Despite this weird muscle spasm that has taken hold of my right shoulder and neck, but that's being medicated and massaged into submission.
Anyway, I am feeling better. Not hundreds, but still, not as low.

But then, I get a voice message from my best friend and he wasn't in any better shape than I was. We're half a world away from eachother and it's really highlighting how much we need eachother in our lives. I wish I had the cash to buy him a plane ticket to come visit me, but I had to pay tuition so I'm broke AF (I blame Buzzfeed for the use of AF in my life).

I also saw the news that Hiddleswift is over. I'm kinda happy about it and a little smug about it as I had a feeling it would implode. Although based on the news, the Swift PR camp is earning their money and making Tom the bad guy. This makes me upset. And it also makes me realise I am far too invested in other peoples lives when my own needs some serious TLC.

Which starts with joining a Zumba class.

older

Sep. 6th, 2016 07:48 pm
tygermine: (Default)
I turned 32 yesterday.

According to science, I only have 12% of my eggs left. And those that are left will be less than perfect.
This saddens me.

I turned 32 yesterday.

And after 3 years, I am still alone.

I'm okay with being alone in general, but I find my moments of Bridget Jonesing happen more and more often.

I turned 32 yesterday.

I was accused of being bitter. I prefer the term - realist. I know what I look like to the world, and I know I am not an eligible young sprite. I have seen wars. I have lived through a lot. My body shows it. My body feels it.

I turned 32 yesterday.

My mind is a whirl with a thousand different thoughts that not even meditation can calm and quell.

I turned 32 yesterday.

The world should be my oyster yet I am not gulping it down. I am not going out and living it. I don't see the point really. Everyone says go on adventures, but I turn down invitations. I turn away from gatherings. Because I know I shall not enjoy them. I know the kind of people I'll meet.

I turned 32 yesterday.

And I am bored out of my mind.

R Words

Aug. 2nd, 2016 11:11 am
tygermine: (Default)
First R word: Rape

Now, if you've read my fics, you know I like to keep them light and funny with a touch of darkness. But never, have I ever written something with the purpose of triggering things in people. And apparently that's what happened when I received this comment from a reader on AO3:

"She rapes him. Various times. Deceives him to have sex with her pretending she's someone else, stalks him to the coffee shop and his house, then has the n.e.r.v.e to call him a bully and still gets a happy ending? Wow."

Now, here is the link for the fic: http://archiveofourown.org/works/1028143

I need a little help responding to her as I don't want her comments to go unacknowledged, but I also don't want a shitstorm in the comment section.

2nd R word: Retail Therapy.

I have been forced to buy clothes off the internet because I outsize the average Thai person by a lot - I'm not obese, just buxom. (UK size 14/16)

And because I haven't bought any clothes in two years, I needed some new items. The first was a new bra or two. Now thats an exercise in depressing me. I have a big size that is super expensive - Never spent so much time just searching for a bra that wouldn't bankrupt me.
Then there were the shoes I had to get as its frowned upon for teachers to wear trainers to school.
And then there's the shirt situation.
Urgh.
I'm gonna need therapy for all this shopping.
tygermine: (Default)
While other people out there are saying yes to everything, I need to start to say no.

I offered to help a friend out by covering a class this afternoon. I was keen to do it. The money didn't hurt either.

But my body decided to make life difficult for me - or it may have been that 7/11 tuna sandwich I devoured after the show last night.

Anyway, I have been sick the whole morning. I texted the woman with the job as soon as I could to let her know I couldn't come in. I sent word out amongst the teacher community about the job to find a replacement.
Nothing.

And now my friend is super pissed at me for flaking on him.

And now I'm annoyed at myself for being forced into feeling like shit.

And the thing is, I love to help out. I really, really do. I will bend over backwards to help you with anything you ask. I will give you the shirt off my back. And it has bitten me in the ass a few times.

So, I think for the sake of my sanity, I will no longer offer to do anything or help anyone ever again.
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I never really got it until now. Well, no more. Seriously. No More.

Debut!

May. 24th, 2016 10:50 am
tygermine: (Default)
So, I found some acting companies here in Bangkok.

In April, I did a production of Up Pompeii with BCT - amateur bawdiness - It was awesome.

And now, I am doing a proper, professional production with Culture Collective.

Deathtrap by Ira Levin

It has been one of the most interesting experiences of my life. I'm learning to act in a whole new way now, and the pressure to perform is on.

tygermine: (Default)
Oh dear, my brain has turned into a sieve.

I forgot about an important meeting yesterday and I realised I signed up for a fest and now i can't remember why or what my prompt was.

I think its because the past month has been a rollercoaster. End of school pressure, then my mate moving in with me for the month and my week long break to a tropical beach where I read a dozen books.

That's why...isn't it?

I'm on holiday until May. Oh dear.
tygermine: (Default)
So, you guys recall that woman I worked for in Mozambique who went out of her way to make my life hell for the 18 months I was there?

Remember how the stress of that as well as losing my fiance resulted in me having PTSD?

And then I moved to Bangkok to try a new thing in my life with less stress?

Yeah, well, my new job that I was really enjoying at my new school has managed to become awful because my co-ordinator / direct supervisor is a cloned copy of my previous boss.

I get palpitations every time I see a message from her or sit in a meeting with her. I panic about the smallest things because I can't seem to do them exactly as she wants because my kids haven't been trained like hers.

And she doesn't have a sense of humour.

Now, my last strategy was to be employee of the month. I am changing that to be the invisible employee of the month.
And i'm going to ask for a transfer to the high school section. It was recommended to me by another teacher who says its far less work than primary and no bitch supervisor, AND drama department needs a supervising teacher.

I'm tired of having women like that in my life. I can't handle the anxiety, especially when I can't afford to medicate it.

So I'm on a mental health day today and will return to school tomorrow with a can do attitude and smile. Just not today. Today I may make small children cry.

Hiatus

Jan. 3rd, 2016 05:46 pm
tygermine: (Default)
Hello one and all,

Just a PSA - I am the slowest writer on the planet generally but recently my well has run dry.

Why?

Because I like writing stories about people falling in love. The problem is, it happened so long ago and was overcast by such a tragedy, that I can't remember what its like. I can read all the stories out there, but my very own visceral experience has been erased. And without it, I am shooting blanks.

Sorry.
tygermine: (Default)
I currently have a man sleeping in my bed.

Not like that you sewer thinkers...

We worked together about ten years ago and earlier this year, he texted me on facebook asking about Thailand. I told him the truth about the madness of expat life. He sold up everything and landed at Bangkok airport at 00:30am. We left the airport at 5:30am. Finally crashed at 7:30am.

I'm exhausted. And I can't sleep anymore. its now 3pm and I need to get another power nap in so I can at least see in the new year.

I have plans. Not external big plans. Just small ones, for myself.

Mostly - Self Discipline.

If I can have more of that in my life, then I should make 2016 an amazing year.

I hope the coming year will be your bitch, my friends.

Xmas

Dec. 11th, 2015 03:38 pm
tygermine: (Default)
so xmas is upon us...not that you'd know that from where i'm living. Xmas isn't really a thing to the buddists of thailand.

Thing is, I love xmas. i love the romance, the possibility, the cold weather, which in all honesty i've only had two of in my life. Is it the cold weather that makes xmas all it is?

I guess when you spend xmas on a beach, little else matters in life.

So, here's my xmas list:

Dear Santa,

All I want for xmas is y two front teeth...

Not really...
All I want for xmas is someone.

Thats all.

Someone to give a shit about me. Family excluded, of course. and friends.

Can I have someone for my own. Someone who thinks I'm amazing? someone to surprise me on xmas day with hot sex and a good brekkie?

i imagine a farm, one day, when i'm older. Its huge and the vines and hops are chilling and I have a big house and a huge tree and we're all hanging out. I'll be cooking all weekend, because I love it. Boozey cocktails and listening to my alternative xmas songs all the time.
I want my four kids and their kids running around. Everyone laughing.

But how do you start that? Find that right person...

Who is that right person??? If you're out there, please, please find me.
tygermine: (Default)
Wow, so November happened to me and happened in so many ways.

I got a job. A pretty good one. Not fabulously paid but better everything. Unfortunately, I still spent November in a state of borderline poverty. And that was when I had to:

1) buy new battery for scooter
2) buy new tyre for scooter
3) replace scooter oil
4) live on nothing.

My usual route of extra cash dried up as the kid was busy with school stuff and the other kid was drowning in homework so I had to swallow my pride and ask for help.

And wow - people are amazing. I made it through the month, got paid. Paid 50% f my back owed rent plus a full month so I won't be homeless and got money put aside for a new laptop as this one can't go unplugged and randomly shuts down due to power issues.

So essentially, November has been a rollercoaster. Emotionally most of all.

Highlights include going to the St Andrews Bangkok Society Ball (big deal) where a guy who is the MD of a HUGE PR firm asked for my resume. I sent it. He responded that he wanted it for when something comes along - so...not bated breath, but budding daydreams.

My kids are awesome. My class is full of these amazing personalities and I've had to figure out five different ways to explain ones and tens to a certain little girl - making me realise I have no business teaching first grade maths.

My sister surprised me with a last minute visit this past weekend which was awesome, but i'm still recovering.

The next 23 days are going to be like living in a Marvel movie - full fucking tilt. and then I shall head to Koh Samet for xmas on the beach. If only to catch my breath.

thats it. I need to take a long, deep breath.

I don't know when I'll post again, possibly in the next month.

Y'all have a brilliant holiday season and I hope Santa spoils you rotten.

Update

Oct. 3rd, 2015 10:11 pm
tygermine: (Default)
So...I am on the last few scenes of my reel_merlin fic. I shall send it in by midnight or something. My dramione_duet needs so much work. I have to reset it as I'm questioning why I set it in Vienna....

So, I'm officially a student and I'm loving it. Downside, I lost my job because of it, so i'm hustling on the job hunt.

I also woke up this morning and decided I was sick of my longish hair, so I cut it. Myself. In my bathroom. Its not great but its working for me.

I'm rewatching Sleepy Hollow. I'm not sure why. The fall season has some awesome new shows that are rocking my world. BUT, the stand out this year has to be KILLJOYS. what an awesome show.

I need to write a MCR reunion fic. Cos I miss them. And Bandom has died a swift death around here.

So, the motorbike accident I had a month ago has come back to haunt me. My right knee does this funny thing that if i touch under my knee cap, it burns on the right side of my calf. I'll go doctor it when I have time and money.

What's happening with you ladies out there???

Also, is it weird that I have better orgasms with my showerhead than normal sex???
tygermine: (Default)
Please please don't ask me how my Reel_Merlin is going. I had 12 pages, read it and decided it was shit, so three days from the deadline I'm starting from scratch.

I would have had it done sooner, but things have been happening.

1) Border visa visits to Laos (two days of my life wasted - I would not reccommend Laos to anyone.)
2) University - I am now officially a student!!! I start classes in October!
3) School.
Let me tell you a secret about the Thai school system, which is a reflection of the Thai culture - THEY DO NOT ENCOURAGE INDEPENDENT THOUGHT!
The entire country is a mother state where citizens are told - don't worry - the King or Military government will do all your thinking for you. And that's how you breed a state of beaureucrats. Seriously. My school director is all about the written lesson plans and such. then I'm spending too many lesson teachign them how ot talk, then too few, then I'm ahead of the other teachers, then I'm behind. ARGH!!

AND, AND, in one class - I have 7 - count them -7 psychopaths. One kid stabbed another with a pencil in the arm. I saw him spontaneously punch another kids the day before for no reason! And no actions were taken. Because in Thailand they do not punish / discipline their kids.

It is emotionally draining, to say the least.
Mostly because these are all spoiled Bangkok kids who are raised by Phillipino nannies.

My mate is currently squatting on my floor until she finds a place to stay.

This past weekend was my birthday - I had a few friends at a pool party hosted by a gay club entertainment group - cos they throw the best parties. Got spoilt rotten with free champers until the Fuzz shut the party down for sound level violations. It was a good night.

Next weekend, I'm pulling a Cinderella and attending a proper ball hosted by the South African Embassy. I need to go borrow a ball gown late this week from a new friend I made. I hope it'll be awesome. I even found glow in the dark nailpolish!!!!

Right..off to work on the fic...
tygermine: (Default)
Things I Should Be Doing:

Completing 4 Reader tests for my kids (Due last Monday)
Paying my bills (Due yesterday)
Finishing my Reel Merlin fic (Due - soonish)
Finishing my Dramione Duets fic (Due - soonish)

Things I Am Doing:

Listening to Pandora
Trawling AO3 for inspirational fics
Waiting for my laundry to finish so I can hang it up to dry.
Waiting for 7:30pm to do an online tutor session

My sister and her fiance are here until Saturday and while I love seeing them, the timing always sucks cos I'm working and I have adult responsibilities to take care of and I'm always always tired.
PLUS I am short on cash due to visas so I can't really take them out.
BUT I have two new students to pick up once this current contract is done, so that saves me some hassle in the finances department.

Anyone on Bangkok time to kick my ass into gear???
tygermine: (Default)
I have cancelled my weekly extra corporate gig because it was killing me.
I now only teach for two hours per day on the weekends, which is comfortable - except for the part where i spend an hour on my scooter either way weaving through Bangkok traffic.

This gives me more time to hang out in my apartment and discover things about myself.

A List:

1) I am actually a pretty good cook.
2) When I sit at my desk without a bra, I can rest my boobs on the desk top. This leads to my back feeling unbelieveable amounts of relief.
3) I like the new shows that have come out eg Scream, Stitchers, Killjoys etc
4) I have successfully applied to do my degree and shall be studenting shortly.
5) My Dramione Duet is about 500 words in. My Reel_Merlin is 8000 words in and I've only hit one plot point so far. gaaaahhhhh
6) I rediscovered my love for Asterix comics.
7) My new spirit animal is Miranda Hart
8) I am definitely suffering from PTSD from the events of 2013-2014.
9) Hanging out naked in my apartment is not just a luxury, its a nessecity.
10) Doing yoga in my apartment turns into Bikram yoga with a lot of gross sweaty slipping.
11) There are no good yoga videos on youtube. Every single one of those yogis are as dry as a bowl of the granola they eat - without the nice raisins to make it fun. WHERE ARE THE FUN, JOKEY YOGIS?????
12) Y'all are Jon Snow when it comes to the heat. I live in a permanent summer. Haven't worn a sweater in nearly a year. And I love it!

And yes - I'm still here.
tygermine: (Default)
Just when I thought I had got myself on track and was getting ahead with this being an adult thing, I do something so stupid.

I put in a day's leave from work to go to the embassy and my uni to get some red tape handled.

The night before, I end up at Pattys enjoying their buy1get1 cocktail special. Next thing I know, I'm meeting up with a guy, buying late night pastrami sandwiches and heading to mine for some action. (That was awkward).
The next morning I'm so hungover I can't move. I sleep for most of the day.

Now, It's Saturday. I woke up early and had a feeling I had to be somewhere. Around lunchtime I remembered I had a tutor class! I quickly rescheduled for tomorrow.

I should just never leave my apartment. I should also stop going to Pattys.

Work It!

Mar. 1st, 2015 08:58 pm
tygermine: (Default)
So, the end of my first semester here in Thailand has come to an end. But not my time here. The school has decided not to renew my contract and in a way, I'm relieved. It was rather stifling.
So, I am now a freelance english tutor and have a really good corporate contract for the next 15 weeks. In order to prep the classes (because this is something you can't wing - I've tried) I spent my morning getting a CISS added to my printer so I can print out the material.
Its now 9pm and I'm still printing stuff.

And I signed up for reel_merlin - oh my god! Can I do this??? Its been a long hiatus from writing.

Anyway, my mom is flying out in April and we will be spending Songkran fest in Phuket (I will send pics). Its exciting, but I need to budget so carefully as I have to start paying uni tuition too. And I have to buy a motor bike as transport here is expensive. And slow. And unreliable.

Right. So, that's my update from hot and humid Bangkok.

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